’)"Some have little power to do good, and have likewise little strength to resist evil" --- Samuel Johnson
Alert: Children No Longer Actually Need Legs or a Tongue
By: Scott
Walking and talking are quickly becoming things of the past, eliminating the need for humans to possess legs and a tongue. Kids everywhere are beginning to develop these beneficial modern adaptations by remaining excessively gluttonous while simultaneously refraining from any and all physical activity. These trend-setting children, with their wrist supported keyboards and wireless internet access, are fearlessly routing humanity into an era of instant satisfaction and upload-able prosperity.
When I was a kid everyone used to play outside; we rode bikes, climbed trees, invented games, played sports, pulled pranks, chased girls, and so on. Those were the good ol’ days, the nostalgic nineties. Back then, if my memory serves me correctly, most children socialized outside the perimeter of their familial dwellings for extended periods of time. It was not uncommon in those days to see various groups of youngsters gathering outdoors, in plain view, verbally communicating with one another. I know it’s hard to believe now, but living conditions used to be so hideously archaic, that parents used to have to beg and threaten their children to get them to come inside the house at sundown. Thankfully, this shameful and uncivilized type of behavior, such as speaking to or even acknowledging other human beings in public, is quickly vanishing in both children and adults due to the welcomed advent of advanced electronic entertainment, information, and communication systems.
I mean just think about all of the progress we’ve made...Children no longer need to step foot out the door in order to exercise their withering bodies, Nintendo’s Wii Fit can perform that vital function at their convenience with an assortment of sporting games that can be played with an obnoxiously fat, yet surprisingly talented Wii tennis-playing younger brother. And no longer do violent youths have to join the army to destroy foreigners for no rational reason now that Xbox and Playstation Live provide an accessible, intimate setting for aggressive males of all ages to
wage realistically-based wars against similarly pathetic users, all from the comfort and safety of their own home. In Earth’s untamed past, students getting physically bullied and harassed at school was not all that uncommon, but since it has been discovered that Myspace and Facebook provide a much more effective means of psychologically damaging and inciting self-inflicted violence among peers, classroom disruptions have dramatically reduced in number. As a species we should should be grateful and forever indebted to technology. Even contraceptives are no longer really needed since most young girls are eager to get naked with their friends and post proof on the internet, while most young males are satisfied enough with just satisfying themselves to the plethora pictures and videos at their fingertips.Thank god for giving us technology and allowing us to do what he obviously couldn’t figure out how to do -- streamlining this entire world at an exponential rate to create a wonderful Tech-topia that’s void of all things human.The situation is becoming so dire that the Catholic church is even considering laying off young boys for awhile until the poor children can “regain their youthful luster and hue” that has been so “irresponsibly perverted by modern technological advances”. Connoisseurs of children everywhere are outraged at the morally reprehensible actions of parents and corporations in allowing the worlds children to unattractively fatten and spoil. The North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) is concerned that many young boys, due to an inactive lifestyle and unhealthy diet, are at increased rate for Diabetes, high blood pressure, and Heart complications. The Girls Scout Troops of America have discontinued their famous Girl Scout Cookie fundraising program for a variety of reasons; most notably, the girls did not possess the physical attributes needed to successfully maneuver from house to house in a timely manner. Also, the girls could simply no longer be trusted with the cookies. The public has good reason to be alarmed, organizations such as the Catholic Church and NAMBLA are the proverbial canary in the coal-mine for judging the quality of our children, and boy are they are singing loudly with discontent.
Now go kiss your plump little pumpkin goodnight, but don’t expect them to acknowledge your presence, the internet is on...try texting them.
A Sour Deal
Disenfranchised from the sky,No longer children of the stars;
We’ve traded our view of the heavens
For bad news and sit-coms.