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Fitness is in the Cards

By: Jensen Von Hugh

Feel weak? Tired of watching girls go for the “bros” who are bigger, stronger, and better than you? Can’t afford a gym membership or anabolic steroids? 

Well then here is the workout for you. You don’t need to belong to a fancy pants gym to get “swollen”: all you need is a full deck of cards and a local park with a play structure. No we’re not talking about swindling little kids out of their money using card tricks (though not a bad idea). We’re talking about a workout that will get you more shredded than the lettuce at Taco Bell. Here’s how it works:

Run to a local park to warm up. Go to the park’s playground and find an elevated bar or a set of rings that you can do pull ups on. Then pull out your deck of cards and shuffle them. Assign each suit an exercise from this list: pull ups, pushups, sit ups and burpees (jump up in the air and then fall into pushup position, do one pushup and stand up and jump again, repeat). Then draw a card and do the assigned exercise as many times as the number on the card. For example

Clubs= pushups
Hearts= Pull ups
Spades= Sit ups
Diamonds= Burpees 

5 of Hearts= 5 pull ups
Jack (11) of Clubs= 11 pushups
King (13) of diamonds= 13 burpees
Ace (1 or 14 depending on how big a sav you are) of Spades= 1 or 14 Sit ups

After you draw one card and complete that exercise draw another card immediately to make sure you go quickly. Breaks are for cars, not your workout. Go through the entire deck.   The workout will follow no particular pattern because of the random drawing of the cards. It is based off muscle confusion, where your body can’t get into a set routine and thus it will always be challenging. You can also change up the exercises that each card represents.

Advanced Version: If doing the whole deck is too easy for you then try doubling or even tripling the number on each card (ex. 7 of spades would be 14 or 21 sit ups)

Girl Version: If you can’t do the whole workout then get off ITHP you pussy. No just kidding if you can’t do the whole deck of cards try using half the deck or dividing the number on the card in half (ie: 6 of hearts would be 3 pull-ups). Use these methods to work up to doing the whole deck.

 

Helpful “Bro” tips

• Pick a park that’s packed with females in the form of babysitters, dog walkers, and most importantly high schoolers (your target age group: 15-19)
• Take off your shirt and score double benefits!
• Get bronzed and tanned
• Give the ladies something to look at (they love a man whose not afraid of skin cancer!)
• Eat hella protein within an hour after your workout to refuel your muscles. Some suggestions
• Steak…raw
• Cottage Cheese…Low Fat
• Tuna

And remember you don’t wanna be that weak bro that isn’t cut.  Really strong people like Alex Rodriguez, Mark Walberg and Hercules probably used this workout, so you should to.

 

  Look how strong this guy is.  That could be you!