’)Out of Wedlock, Weddings, and Babies
By: Unwelcome Perspective
I grew up Catholic, so all I heard growing up was “Wait til marriage,” “You gotta wait til marriage.” And I obeyed that law until the first time someone offered to fuck me. I don’t think the pre-marital sex rule is God’s law. I don’t recall Adam buying Eve a ring, taking her to a church, and then pounding her in Honolulu. God basically said, “I’m giving you a woman; fuck her whenever you want to.”
Marriage was not invented by God; it was invented by jealous guys. Before civilization,
there was no such thing as cheating. The first time a caveman came back from the hunt
and saw some hairy knuckled Neanderthal on top of his concubine, is the day marriage
started; followed by consensual sex 10,000 years later. All it took was one guy to get that
jealous, roller coaster sensation in his stomach, and he said to himself, “You know I can’t
hate the player, so let’s change the game.” Marriage was a male invention and the only
way they got women to do it, besides being stronger, was a wedding.
If there were no weddings, no one would be getting married until pension benefits kicked in. If you told a woman, “for the rest of your life, you’re going to LIVE WITH A MAN;” they would say, “Why would I want to do that? My apartment is already decorated. The duvet cover matches the drapes. I have a bunny rabbit with spare batteries. Why bring B.O. and football into this?” But if you said, “Well, first were going to throw you a big party, where you’re the celebrity and everyone has to act like you’re prettier than normal,” it’s going down!!
Same thing with babies: if there were no babies, no one would have kids. If you gave birth and a 12 yr-old popped out with Cheetos fingers and a video game addiction, even the Mexicans would start wearing condoms. Even the people that adopt only accept babies, like they’re buying a pure bred, except instead of a Labrador, it’s a Korean. How many people you know got their kids at the pound? If that kid in the Blind Side hadn’t blocked defense like the Republicans on healthcare legislation…..he would’ve been off that couch and selling crack by scene 5.