Things aspiring snobs say that drive me insane. You've met these people at some point.
Unwelcome Perspeective | December 16th 2011
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Anyone who says "film" instead of "movie."
This is by far the greatest offender. All this person has has done is substitute one word and they've gone from a guy eating popcorn to an aficionado stroking himself under the table at your dinner party while he corrects you on the pronunciation of Francis Ford Coppola. These people will try to argue that there is a difference between a film and a movie. One is a work of art and the other a piece of trash. The fact that they have the confidence in their artistic authority to classify a motion picture as gold or filth usually explains why they also have the confidence to wear an African head wrap when they are white. The fact that 99% of the population says movie makes these film sayers appear immediately distinguished as sophisticated patrons of the arts, when they are actually just avante garde masochists that enjoy suffering through shitty movies in order to give themselves conversation starters.
Anyone who when asked what kind of music they listen to says: I listen to good music. Fuck off.
Anyone who says: I miss him (when referring to dead comedians and/or Dave Chapelle).
This is especially true for people who say they miss Mitch Hedberg. No one knew who Mitch Hedberg was when he was alive, how could you possibly miss him? This phrase shouldn't bother me as it is merely an expression of affection, but it does. Why, because it makes it sound like this person appreciates the artist's work in a way I never can. I wish George Carlin was still alive, but I don't miss him. He never jumped out of the TV and sat in my living room. And besides, all his work is recorded. Why don't we say we miss artists when they are still alive and active but putting out shitty product? Like yeah, I miss Stevie Nicks when she was hot. Or hey, remember when Green Day sounded good instead of focusing all their efforts on pretending to care about the working class.
People who refer to members of bands by their first names.
There are only three bands that qualify for a first name basis: The Beatles, The Stones, and The Who. Everyone knows Paul, John, Mick, Keith, Pete, and Roger. But if you're going first name the drummer from the Black Keys or some obscure band you only know about because Pandora threw it your way, you better be best friends with them or you better use their full goddam name. I had a roommate in college who killed me on this one. I'd say hey Wes, you know I really like the Hives' drummer. And he'd go, "o yeah, Chris is great man." Chris doesn't call you Wes. Cut the shit.
Anyone who only listens to NPR.
That's like saying you only eat vegetables. Sure they're great for you but don't you want to enjoy yourself once in a while. NPR has a couple problems that I think make them very attractive to aspiring snobs. First, they've decided to position themselves as so progressive that they thought it'd be fitting to ignore the fact that all of their correspondents and anchors need speech therapy. Every damn person on that outfit either has trouble with their s's, too much saliva in their mouth, or a pitch-perfect monotone. How could you only listen to that crap! Second, NPR is about as independent from Corporate America as we are from foreign oil. Speaking of oil, what commercial do I hear every time I tune in? Support in part from the Chevron Foundation. No coincidence, no irony, no commercials, just sponsored messages from Big Oil. I like NPR and you can like it too, but please seek news elsewhere once in a while before Melissa Block's voice sends you into a nine car pile-up.
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